


when all is lost

by em_the_gem



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec is Hurt, Magnus and Maryse bonding, coda fic 3x10, magnus introspection, magnus lost his magic, maryse shares some wisdom, the mom we all need
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 22:30:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14680785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/em_the_gem/pseuds/em_the_gem
Summary: Maryse shares a few words of wisdom.





	when all is lost

**Author's Note:**

> spoiler alert for epsiode 3x10

The monotonous beeping of the machines connected to Alec via cords, and other instruments Magnus can’t name, is what occupies his senses as Catarina leaves them both to rest.

Alec is sleeping, peacefully albeit with slight furrowed brows, in one of the Institute infirmary beds and Magnus is watching him while simultaneously somehow not seeing anything. Alec’s wrist is wrapped in fabric infused with Catarina’s healing energy, and the deep wound on his chest is being tended to by a mix of salve and beeping instruments. 

Magnus could only look on as Catarina fussed about - making sure both he and Alec were alright before leaving them in the hands of the Institute medics. He’d never felt as useless as he did just then, unable to take away some of Alec’s pain, unable to help Catarina as she struggled to keep Alec’s heart beating in the alley she found them - covered in blood and cheeks streaked by tears.

Then, back in the alley, he’d felt the low hum of adrenaline, worry and the last remains of magic coursing through his veins. He’d been too worried by the sight in front of him, by the sight of Alec with a disjointed wrist and an arrow sticking out from his chest. He’d been too busy fumbling with his phone to text Catarina with one hand while the other never once let go of Alec’s. He’d been too busy to feel anything lacking.

Now, sitting by Alec’s bedside still holding on to his hand, he feels numb, hollow, like something is missing from the insides of his body, from the deepest part of his soul, his no longer immortal soul. His magic is gone, the part of him that made him _him_ is gone, taken by the very person who gave it to him in the first place.

He tries not to think about it, he tries not to feel the sting in his eyes - his no longer glamoured but actual brown eyes - and he tries to swallow the lump of frustration that threatens to burst out of him disguised as bile churning in his stomach. In a moment of defeat he leans forward to rest his forehead against Alec’s bruised knuckles and a wet, frustrated sob escapes his lips.

There’s a mumble of whispered voices somewhere around him and shortly after the sound of approaching footsteps break through the beeping of the machines. He straightens up and meets Maryse’s gaze as she takes a seat on the other side of Alec.

“Magnus,” she says in lack of any fitting greeting. She looks worn out by worry, and Magnus can only guess he wears a matching expression. “How is he doing?”

The both take a look at Alec as if that might be answer enough. He looks pale, his forehead slick with cold sweat and his breathing shallow. He’s quiet, no sign of physical pain, exhaustion having him in a painless sleep.

“Catarina says he’ll be alright by the end of the night. Says he just needs to sleep and let the m-magic-,” the words waivers unintentionally as he speaks it out loud,”and let the magic do its job on him.”

She looks at him now, concern on her face and a deep frown between her brows. She looks every bit the mother she’s grown to become.

“I’m sorry, Magnus.” She doesn’t elaborate, he knows she knows. He knows that the news must be spreading like wildfire in the Downworld. The great Magnus Bane, once the High Warlock of Brooklyn, now simply a mortal.

“Don’t be,” he says, because he doesn’t want her pity. He doesn’t want anything but to feel himself again. “I gave it up willingly. I knew what I was doing.”

She studies him. He can feel it, but he’s too busy watching Alec’s every breath to meet her searching eyes.

After some time - a dozen beeps of the machines and a few raspy breaths from Alec - she speaks again. “It’s not easy. The beginning is fine. You live your life, too busy making new routines to notice you feel any different.”

He looks up at her and his eyes catches on something - or rather the _lack_ of something. Her dark runes, gone as if they never were there in the first place, and he realizes she speaks from experience. 

“But then one day, it snaps,” she continues, her eyes lost in what must be a recent memory because now her eyes are flooding. “And that day it’s going to feel like you’re lost, like you’re no longer you and like the whole world is against you.”

She squeezes her eyes shut and Magnus follows the stray tear that escapes with his eyes until it lands on Alec’s sleeve. Magnus blinks his own tears away.

Then she says, “Promise me you wont push him away.” and Magnus has to smile at that. It’s a promise they’ve made to each other, he and Alec, that when things get crazy, they don’t push each other away.

“I promise,” he says truthfully and that coaxes a smile out of her. Her eyes flickers to their intertwined hands and then she gets out of her seat.

“Well, I see that he is in good hands,” she chuckles and tucks her hair behind her ears, suddenly looking a little bashful. “Have you by any chance seen Lucian? I know he came here with Isabelle, but I haven’t seen him.”

Magnus frowns and looks around in the infirmary. “Is he hurt?”

“No, I just wanted to see him.” Maryse straightens up, a faint red tint in her cheeks.

“Oh,” Magnus says, perplexed before he catches he look in her eyes and he understands. “ _Oh_.”

With a shy smile she turns on her heels and walks out of the room. He’s alone again, with his thoughts and the beeping machines. The brief relief he’d felt in Maryse’s somewhat soothing company deflated quickly and his shoulders slumps forward.

He feels frustrated yet again looking at Alec’s unmoving figure. He knows that sleep is the only thing Alec needs right now, and curse Magnus for waking him up just because his mind is a raging storm. He wants to help Alec recover in any way he can, and waking him from his sleep is the last thing Alec needs right now.

Instead he lifts Alec’s good hand to his lips and kisses his bruised knuckles over and over again, knowing that if his magic is truly lost at least his love for Alec will conquer.  

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on tumblr as [alecsgideon](https://alecsgideon.tumblt.com/)


End file.
